Just got ripped a new one this evening. I guess I'm not losing enough weight, not losing weight fast enough, not working hard enough, not doing enough cardio, not going fast enough on the elliptical or the treadmill and not giving 100% in my workout sessions. All of that equals I'm a complete loser!! That's how I feel right now. Obviously I know that something isn't working because I'm putting in a lot of effort and time and not feeling or seeing any results lately. But the thing is...despite all of what I'm putting forth....I haven't given up and I keep going back, I keep working hard, I extended my workouts with Chad, I started this supplement called Slim and I don't know how much more I can give without something else suffering such as my family.

I don't like being overweight. I don't! My body isn't like every other Shaping Concepts client. My body is messed up! I have PCOS. It's very difficult to lose weight with PCOS! I used to be an athlete before the PCOS hit and I still consider myself one because I can do way more physically than most people my size and weight. I'm strong as hell and I'm fiesty too. I'm in a huge battle with myself both physically and mentally when it comes to my weight. Being ripped a new one does not motivate me. Instead, it causes me to beat myself up more and it becomes a self-destructive cycle.

Part of me just wants to give up and quit. I don't like being yelled at in front of other people in the studio. I feel like a fool. "A fat person who doesn't want to work out...what a surprise....that's why they are fat." I'm sure that's what the other people in the studio were thinking as I was being yelled at. It doesn't motivate me. It makes me want to hide. It's hard enough going into the studio and asking for help. I can count on one hand how many people know my actual weight. Chad is one of them. Do you know how hard it was for me to step on that scale? Do you know how difficult it is to see myself in the mirror and see a fat person looking back? Do you know how undesirable I feel? Don't you think I'm aware of that fact that my weight is what's keeping us from conceiving? Do you know how much that bothers me?

Am I giving 100%? I know I'm not. I don't have 100% to give at anything I do anymore. But I give all I can in everything that is required of me by everyone who needs me. Is that enough? I guess that's for other people to judge about me. Judge me. I don't care anymore.

Fear: A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

Fear of a Treadmill: A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger posed by going to level 6 for 60 seconds on a treadmill.

Ok, so I've been naturally afraid of level 6 on the treadmill. I'm sure I'm not alone!! Not only does the number itself begin to sound intimidating (compared to level 3, let's say) but the treadmill even sounds intense at level 6!

My biggest fear is falling off the treadmill. It's not uncommon - heck, Madonna just fell off her treadmill last month! I believe the news report said she was going level 6 for 60 seconds on the treadmill....but I could be wrong. ;)

The first remedy to fear is to face it head-on - and that's what Chad had me do in the studio yesterday. I was immediately faced with the task to run for 60 seconds at level 6....three times. And I did it although not willingly at first. Ok...not willingly at ALL but I did it only because I knew he would kick my butt if I didn't!! :) I survived despite my attempts at negotiating a lower time, an easier speed or a different day to conquer this fear. And you know what? It wasn't all that bad! I mean, I was winded when I was done but I didn't die - I didn't fall off the treadmill - and I managed to repeat that effort 4 more times.

Fear: The feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

I want to disect this definition.

"The feeling of agitation and anxiety......." Yes, fear is JUST A FEELING - an EMOTION that we create inside our bodies and mind. It CAN be OVERCOME.

"...caused by the presence or imminence of danger." How imminent was this danger at the studio yesterday? My thoughts dictated to me that the danger was immediate and inescapable thus creating the emotions of fear (of falling off the treadmill) that has kept me from reaching my goal of level 6. The thoughts and the fear are interconnected therefore if you can eliminate the fearful thought, the emotion should quickly dissipate.

Irrational emotions are created by irrational thoughts. For instance, I could run a 5.7 on the treadmill but 6.0 seemed threatening and caused a huge amount of anxiety for me! That was definitely an irrational fear stemming from an irrational thought that I could never add an extra .3 to my treadmill without falling off!

If we all had the courage (and encouragement from people like Chad) to face our fears, imagine the difference that would make in our lives! Imagine the success we would achieve. Imagine the self-confidence we could gain!

My next goal is on the horizon......I plan to face it differently. The only thoughts I will entertain are the ones that know I can do this! And I will stop any fear coming between me and that number 7!

Thank you Chad for your support, confidence and patience. Personal training is not just about training your body to become fit and healthy. It's also about training your mind to become fit and healthy as well. Chad does both extremely well!

I've never been good at the Rubix Cube as hard as I try to master it. The same goes for my diet and exercise. Obviously, if you know me, you'll recognize that I've struggled with this mind-teaser of a problem for many years. Yet I still can't figure it out - even with professional help!! (and I can say that because I don't think Chad reads my blogs any longer!! lol)

I'm definitely in better shape. My endurance, strength and physique have all changed for the better. I'm more confident both inside the gym and outside in the real world.

I'm definitely not losing any weight. I've been stuck at this 30 pound weight loss for roughly 6 weeks now. How frustrating is that when I lost most of my weight in the first 6 weeks of exercising and eating healthy.

Something has to change. I'm working even harder in the gym, extended my training sessions with Chad and that's not making a difference - at least not yet. My diet is pretty good! I'm not perfect by any means and I'll never eat the perfect diet 365 days a year. But I'd have to say that 90% of the time I eat a healthy diet and the other 10% is not as healthy but emotionally pleasing! :)

I've been up since 3:30am trying to figure out this problem. I've decided that I need to change the type of carbohydrates I'm eating in my diet. Remember, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which is complicated and I don't process glucose well. Therefore, I think I'm going to have to change my diet from "healthy" to "diabetic healthy". I need carbs. We all do! But I need to alter my carbs into other sources besides whole grain, high fiber breads. There are low-glycemic, complex carbs I can eat other than whole grain breads, pastas and cereals so I think I need to focus on those sources of complex carbs and try my best to leave out the breads from my diet.

Here is a list of low-glycemic, complex carb foods:

apples, cabbage, celery, cherries, cucumber, lettuce, parsley, peaches, pears, plums, radishes, spinach, turnips, watercress, bran cereal, corn bread, oatmeal, wholemeal pasta, beans, lentils, peas, milk, nuts.

Now, I'm told, that this list of foods is great but the first steps are as follows:

1. Identify whether something is healthy or not (low in trans and saturated fats, low sugar, high protein, high fiber, whole grains, etc.)
2. Then use the GI index principle to choose the BEST carb out of the choices for your meals.

For example: I'm hungry for a piece of fruit. I have a choice between a banana and an apple. Both foods are considered "healthy". But when you look at the glycemic index of both foods, you can make a more informed choice. Apples have a glycemic index of 39. Bananas have a glycemic index of 62! I would choose the apple over the banana if I'm trying to keep my insulin levels as stable as possible through the day and avoid the spikes that are keeping my body in flux during the course of a day.

Something has to change because it's not working for me right now. I literally need to forget about the scale altogether (not just throw out my scale like a previous post) and learn to live with the fact that I may never be "skinny" or else I'll frustrate myself out of my exercise program and give up. I need to feel comfortable with who I am....skinny or not. Hopefully then the weight loss will occur.

If you have any additional ideas, please comment and let me know! I'm feeling like I'm on my own now to figure all of this out once again. So your feedback would be very helpful to me!!!

I'M A LITTLE CRAZY IN THE HEAD! :)

I'm a bit crazy for doing this but I've scheduled myself for 1 hour long personal training sessions instead of the usual 30 minutes. There are a couple of logistical reasons for that but ultimately I want to propel myself past a certain weight mark that has been eluding me for weeks! So we'll see if this will help! And don't worry...I still have to get into my cardio on top of the extended workout sessions with Chad!

Friday night was the first hour-long session and I was EXHAUSTED! The minute Katie went to bed at 7:30, I fell on top of the couch and immediately fell asleep. I did make my way to bed and slept the entire night. I did the same last night! I'm still sore from Friday's workout as well. The worst complainer seems to be my hamstrings for some reason.

I'm still taking the mixed martial arts self defense class and LOVING IT! Matt doesn't love it when I practice on HIM but the experience has been worthwhile in so many different ways. I may end up re-taking it OR if I can find the time in my schedule I'd love to join a martial arts class there.

Thank you, Uncle Dave, for your email and the encouragement! It was your email that motivated me to take the time and write another blog post! I've been so busy that finding the time is difficult but after reading your supportive email I couldn't help but write! :) Thanks!!

Wow! I can't believe it's been so long since my last post! It's not my fault....really! ;) I've been extra busy with everything from home, work, parenting, being a wife, exercising, eating healthy and now I'm doing a mixed martial arts self defense class for women two days a week! It's AWESOME and I love it! I've never felt so empowered before plus it's just plain fun. In fact, I feel guilty because it's that much fun!

My weight has been fluctuating a lot lately. One day I've lost 5 pounds and then 5 days later I've gained 6. My only conclusion is that I haven't been drinking enough water lately and I've been retaining fluid. That brings me to our topic today! Water retention!!!

Facts about water retention:

Did you know that most people retain a little water and that's not uncommon? Women especially. What can you do to prevent this water retention?

1. Drink more water. Ironically! Water retention is common when we are dehydrated or low on water. The body tends to conserve water and will retain some in order to keep us hydrated. Drinking 8-10 glasses of water/day helps shed extra water thus reducing water retention.

2. Reduce your sodium intake. Lowering your overall sodium intake will help reduce your water retention. Most packaged foods contain some level of sodium so be mindful of the amount of sodium you are ingesting in your diet. And stay far away from the salt shaker! Those extra shakes of salt can contribute towards your water gain. Usually buying fresher foods and preparing them at home will go a long way for keeping your sodium levels in check.

3. Caffeine. Caffeine is a diuretic by nature however too much caffeine can have a reverse effect causing dehydration and water retention. Coming from a person who LOVES diet coke, it's best to just stay away from caffeine altogether!

4. Other foods. Some foods have a bit of a diuretic effect such as lemon in your water, cranberry juice and nearly any food high in vitamin C has natural diuretic properties.

Well, that's all about water retention. I'm off to get a glass of water with lemon now! :)