Just got ripped a new one this evening. I guess I'm not losing enough weight, not losing weight fast enough, not working hard enough, not doing enough cardio, not going fast enough on the elliptical or the treadmill and not giving 100% in my workout sessions. All of that equals I'm a complete loser!! That's how I feel right now. Obviously I know that something isn't working because I'm putting in a lot of effort and time and not feeling or seeing any results lately. But the thing is...despite all of what I'm putting forth....I haven't given up and I keep going back, I keep working hard, I extended my workouts with Chad, I started this supplement called Slim and I don't know how much more I can give without something else suffering such as my family.
I don't like being overweight. I don't! My body isn't like every other Shaping Concepts client. My body is messed up! I have PCOS. It's very difficult to lose weight with PCOS! I used to be an athlete before the PCOS hit and I still consider myself one because I can do way more physically than most people my size and weight. I'm strong as hell and I'm fiesty too. I'm in a huge battle with myself both physically and mentally when it comes to my weight. Being ripped a new one does not motivate me. Instead, it causes me to beat myself up more and it becomes a self-destructive cycle.
Part of me just wants to give up and quit. I don't like being yelled at in front of other people in the studio. I feel like a fool. "A fat person who doesn't want to work out...what a surprise....that's why they are fat." I'm sure that's what the other people in the studio were thinking as I was being yelled at. It doesn't motivate me. It makes me want to hide. It's hard enough going into the studio and asking for help. I can count on one hand how many people know my actual weight. Chad is one of them. Do you know how hard it was for me to step on that scale? Do you know how difficult it is to see myself in the mirror and see a fat person looking back? Do you know how undesirable I feel? Don't you think I'm aware of that fact that my weight is what's keeping us from conceiving? Do you know how much that bothers me?
Am I giving 100%? I know I'm not. I don't have 100% to give at anything I do anymore. But I give all I can in everything that is required of me by everyone who needs me. Is that enough? I guess that's for other people to judge about me. Judge me. I don't care anymore.
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Oh honey, I'm so sorry to read this!!!!!!!!!! Keep at it, don't let this brick wall hit you before you can really nail it! I know how hard this is, and I know my PCOS body does NOT respond to exercise and diet, and until you have that body, you just don't get it. I've had dr's and trainers, and family and friends stare at me with blank stares and I can see what they're thinking "yeah right." But its the truth! You just hang in there girl and you CALL ME if you need to talk ok?!?!?! Hugs! :)
ReplyDeleteNeither of you are happy with the recent results so it's obviously his way of trying a new angle. While his intensions might be in the right place (after all, if he didn't care, he wouldn't bother), embarrassing a person in front of others is never, ever the right thing to do. He owes you an apology - in front of those same people.
ReplyDeleteThat said, if you can't give 100% to your workouts for reasons that I'm sure are justified, you can control your menu selections. Perhaps you could try something different for a week...no eating out for example? Maybe that might help. Easier for me to type than do as I'm not sure I could do that! :-)
Anyway, prove him wrong! You'll get there - you've proven you can do anything!
Love, Jeff