SINK OR SWIM....

Mentally I'm not sure where I'm at lately. I've been distracted by other things going on around me. I've been overworking and unable to relax. And I've noticed that I'm self-sabotaging my diet at times.

I think I'm fearful of getting past a milestone in terms of my weight. For me, being skinny means that I'm unsafe therefore being overweight keeps me "safe". Even if my idea of safety sounds illogical, it has kept me safe for many years. How can you possibly let go of that safety net?

It reminds me of the Red Cross swimming lessons I took at a lake when my brothers and I were younger. Man, I certainly had a strong connection with that kickboard! It kept me safe, afloat and able to return back to the beach in a pinch. Anyone who even suggested I drop the kickboard and swim on my own was crazy! Why would I do that? I'd certainly drown, some gross, slimey lake creature would grab my legs and pull me under or I would be forced to do the doggie paddle and embarrass myself in front of my brothers. When you've used that safety net for so long, it's difficult to let go. How do you trust in the process (whether swimming or otherwise) that it's ok to tread water on your own? How can you trust that nothing bad will happen, that you are strong enough to swim to shore if necessary and you know that slimey lake creatures don't actually exist in the real world?

I'm not really sure I have the answer to any of these questions. All I can do is keep paddling with my feet and hope that one day I can drop the kickboard, use my arms and keep myself afloat with more confidence than I have at the moment!